Altered Host Advice

⚠️ The "Don't Sue Us" Warning Labels

CAUTION: Paint is for ornaments, not for human consumption. We don’t care how much it looks like blueberry yogurt after three glasses of Malbec. Do not eat the art.

SIDE EFFECTS: May include sudden bursts of unearned confidence, aggressive glitter usage, and telling your friends "I could totally sell this on Etsy."

EYE SAFETY: If you get paint in your eye, rinse with water. If you get "inspiration" in your eye (smoke), maybe just blink a lot and order a pizza.

LOGISTICAL ADVICE: Altered Paints is not responsible for any "masterpieces" that look significantly worse the following morning in the harsh light of sobriety.

🖌️ 4 Easy Steps to "Art"

Follow these closely, or don't. We're a box, not a cop.

Prep the Canvas: Choose your fighter (The Leaf or The Glass). If you choose both, you’re our kind of person.

Hydrate (Strategically): Pour your drink or pack your bowl. This is the most important step for "loosening the bristles" of your soul.

The "Jackson Pollock" Method: Apply paint to the ornament. If you miss and hit the table, just call it "mixed media" and keep moving.

The Reveal: Once finished, hold your ornament at arm's length, squint your eyes until everything is blurry, and marvel at your genius.

💬 The "Altered" Conversation Starters

Keep these handy for when the room goes quiet because everyone is concentrating too hard on a leaf vein.

"On a scale of 1 to 'Salvador Dalí's melting clock,' how high/tipsy are we right now?"

"If Bob Ross were here, would he call this a 'happy accident' or a 'total disaster'?"

"Does this shade of green make my ornament look suspicious?"

Note from the "Chef"

"Our paints are non-toxic, but they taste like bad decisions. Please keep the brushes in the water cup and the wine in the wine cup. We've seen things... messy things."

— The Management at Altered Paints Company